Constellating Love & Relationships

We are more likely to define who we are in terms of the relationship we are in or by the absence of an intimate relationship rather than through our family. I don’t know if I have a particular draw to relationship patterns revealed within constellation because of my intuitive work, but I find the patterns and interplay between family and ancestral entanglements and intimate relationship patterns utterly absorbing. You can see the weaving of the web of the ancestors and the correlations that exist between a couple and their respective ancestral experiences, which in part seem to be an aspect of the unconscious attraction between individuals.

 

There will often be similar ancestral fates. However they can be mirrored. So for example, where in the fourth generation back in an individual’s family there will perhaps be unacknowledged victims of trauma, with the partner in the fourth generation there will perhaps be unacknowledged perpetration of trauma. This hidden dynamic moulds their relationship and communication with one another and yet is subject also to influence from previous partners they have both been involved with. Fascinating stuff!  Patterns and entanglements from previous relationships can take many forms, but some of the most common involve the experience of a string of short or long term monogamous relationships that end within a similar length of time. Being unable to commit within a relationship, perhaps when a certain point in the relationship is reached, the urge to end the connection becomes irresistible. Oftentimes the repetitive occurrence of betrayal, lack of commitment, or dominating partners will flag up entanglements within the family system.

Other indicators include an inability to ‘let go’ of emotions connected to previous partners. This can be highlighted and further complicated by difficulty in communication within any subsequent relationships. Difficulty seeing, connecting or communicating with a partner can perhaps suggest that either you or your partner are entangled with a previous love or fate and I see this so often when someone wants an appointment purely to explore my intuitive take on their current relationship communication issue.  Experiencing difficulty communicating and connecting with your children often indicates a tie to a previous relationship where the children are unconsciously drawn to either the previous partner or the ancestors. In this instance your connection to your children (as well as your new partner) is ‘blocked’ by the link to the past where you and in some cases your off-spring are ‘seeing’ them rather than those around you. 

Love, romance and relationships are generally at the forefront of our thoughts, if not our lives. The search for true love and our perfect partner can be all consuming. Great emphasis is also placed on maintaining the perfect relationship and what the ‘behaviour’ within a relationship should be. If we are not in a relationship then the media has much advice on rectifying this and to all intents and purposes who we are with (or not with) can ultimately define who we are as individuals.

When we make an emotional bond to somebody through a committed relationship, an engagement or a marriage, we create a bond that cannot be broken. This bond is even stronger when a couple has a child together. When a relationship ends, any unfinished business or unacknowledged entanglements from the relationship are carried forward to subsequent relationships, and very often the events or entanglements repeat themselves. This doesn’t just apply to your own relationship history, whatever that may be, it also applies to the generations before you, particularly if either of your parents had a significant prior relationship that didn’t end well or has never been acknowledged. In this case, the children that are a result of the subsequent relationship are often ‘tied’ to the previous partner, seemingly forever fated to repeat that relationship dynamic, be it one of betrayal, lack of commitment, or of being ‘unseen’ within the relationship dynamic.

The dynamics of the entanglements within intimate relationships from a constellation perspective are fascinating. Not only is there an influence from the family of the individual concerned but also the partner’s family and all the previous partners of both the individual in question and their current partner, with the dynamics becoming entangled further with each successive relationship. There is often resistance to the concept of honouring previous partners. However this is hugely important as doing so allows you to move forward and create space for the sort of relationship you truly desire. The emotional investment and entanglement created with a first love can be quite simply overwhelming but where does all that emotion go when the relationship ends?

Take a moment now and cast your mind back to your first love, your first serious relationship…

Remember how you felt when you first met and fell in love…

The promises you made to one another…

The plans for the future you made together…

Now remember how you felt when it ended…

Though time may pass and you may move on, the tie to the person and the emotions experienced deep within still remain.

When you are exploring the dynamics of love within a constellation setting you are looking not only at the influence of one partner upon the other but also of the effect and entanglements of the previous partners as well as, very importantly, the patterns that exist within the family lines for the couple or individual in question. Not only are individuals influenced by the relationship pattern of their parents but often the secrets of fates that lie hidden within the family draw them in and influence their choice of partner too. So that if there is a fate within the family field that the family as a whole cannot look at or perhaps refuses to acknowledge, then the individual will be drawn to exclude themselves from their family of origin and effectively align and root themselves within their partner’s family. In doing so they are in effect aligning themselves with their family’s unseen fate and sacrificing themselves to that fate. They will often find themselves attracted to a partner whose family also carries a similarly heavy fate or burden. It is almost as if the price that they pay for their new ‘place’ within their partner’s family is to ‘see’ the fate that exists within that family where the family of the partner cannot. Thus the one in the relationship that loves the most will carry the fate of the other. And so it goes on down the line...

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